Here are our favorite last-minute deals from REI’s giant Anniversary Sale

REI’s Anniversary Sale: Prepare to Empty Your Wallet for Overpriced Outdoor Crap You Don’t Need

Ah, the annual REI Anniversary Sale—a yearly spectacle where hiking enthusiasts and weekend backpackers alike are lured into overpaying for glorified camping junk disguised as “essential outdoor gear.” Brace yourselves, because once again, REI is slapping on that shiny membership discount veneer to sucker you into handing over more cash for what can only be described as overpriced trinkets for nature’s “elite.”

If you still think you need a Garmin Fenix 8 multisport watch with a built-in speaker and mic—because apparently your five-dollar digital watch from 2009 wasn’t cutting it—good luck bagging it for just under eight hundred bucks. Yes, this “premium” gadget also tracks your every move with sensors and batters you with endless fitness jibber-jabber. It’s practically a personal trainer unless you have an ounce of common sense or prefer not to live under constant surveillance.

For those who prefer a slightly less ridiculous wrist monster, the Amazfit Active 2 struts around as the “budget-friendly” option, blinking its AI chatbot nonsense at you for under a hundred bucks. Because what everyone wants is a fitness tracker that talks back while you trudge up a hill pretending to enjoy nature.

And if you think a standard smartwatch isn’t enough to keep you connected when you’re miles from civilization, REI’s got you covered with the Garmin InReach Mini 2. A palm-sized satellite communicator that’ll run you a sweet $250—but don’t forget the subscription fee, because why offer freedom in the wilderness without a monthly ransom? Pay up to send a mere text or activate your SOS. That’s freedom for you: corporate shackles disguised as life-saving tech.

Want to upgrade to the Mini 3 Plus? Prepare to cough up another 200 bucks. Now with a siren, photo messaging, and voice clips because nothing says “I’m totally fine out here” like carrying a siren to annoy every creature within a ten-mile radius.

But what’s camping without a little auditory annoyance? The JBL Charge 6 promises to blast your “outdoor experience” with 28 hours of battery life and lossless audio, ensuring you can drown out actual nature sounds with crystal-clear pop bangers. Meanwhile, the Flip 7 speaker dares to disturb the forest for under a hundred bucks, because apparently peace and quiet are out of fashion.

Hungry? No worries, the MSR PocketRocket 2 Stove is here to boil your overpriced organic tea in 3.5 minutes flat, all while keeping your pack “lightweight.” It’s essentially a single burner glorified gas canister disguised as camping wizardry, but hey, thermodynamics is hard and simple stoves just don’t render well in REI’s glossy catalog.

If you prefer filtering your dubious backcountry water through LifeStraw’s latest “Peak Series Straw,” expect to pay nearly twenty bucks for the privilege of sucking out bacteria and microplastics. Because nothing screams adventure like sipping filtered pee-water with a straw that costs more than your last phone case.

And for the true campers who want to rest luxuriously, the Exped MegaMat Duo will set you back a jaw-dropping $300 for a self-inflating mattress that’s only marginally better than a glorified air mattress. Wrangle that with the Half Dome 2 Tent priced at nearly 250 dollars, and congratulations—you’re officially broke but “comfortable” in the wilderness.

Oh, and don’t forget the Garmin Varia RTL515 Radar Taillight, because who doesn’t want a rearview radar on their bike to warn about cars 150 yards away? It’s all wholesome until you realize it costs $150, which could buy you a decent meal or three.

REI’s “deals” are the usual parade of smoke and mirrors to make you think you’re snagging a steal while padding the pockets of corporate overlords. So before you empty that wallet for “quality” outdoor gear that blurs the line between necessity and greed, ask yourself: do you really need a $250 satellite communicator that demands a subscription, or are you just another mark in the endless retail carnival of manufactured scarcity?

Remember, nature doesn’t care how many fancy gadgets you bring. It just laughs—and so should you, once you stop feeding this bloated wilderness of overpriced outdoorism.